Home Pastor's Life BUT GOD: Retrospective on my Daughter’s Suicide – Part 2
BUT GOD:  Retrospective on my Daughter’s Suicide – Part 2
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BUT GOD: Retrospective on my Daughter’s Suicide – Part 2

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[This post is continued from Darlene Franklin’s post BUT GOD: Retrospective on my Daughter’s Suicide – Part 1.  Here she enumerates the ways in which God remained faithful and provided in her grief over her daughter Jolene’s suicide.]

Angel face down on a dais.  Wings and arms draped over the platform.  Black and white image.

BUT GOD:

Retrospective on my Daughter’s Suicide

By Darlene Franklin

What I can say beyond any doubt is that God was intimately involved with every breath I took. “But God” became the theme of my days.

 

  1. The days crawled into weeks then months as I wallowed in grief but God gave me the gift of time and distance.
  2. I blamed myself for all my mistakes and shortcomings but God helped me understand I’d done my best.
  3. I wanted to take responsibility for Jolene’s death but God forgave me of my sins and gave me grace to forgive myself.
  4. The days were empty but God filled my nights with dreams where Jolene was close enough to touch.
  5. My arms ached to hold my daughter but God gave me physical objects to hold, such the last gift she gave me, a teddy bear.
  6. For long months, my heart felt ripped in two but God surrounded me with twenty-four hour love from friends around the world.
  7. My lips had forgotten how to smile but God helped me laugh again.
  8. My life spun out of my control but God gave me stories to write that I could control.
  9. I had questioned God during my children’s teen years but God used those times to prepare me for the trial of Jolene’s death.
  10. When Jolene lived, her illness made it difficult for me to enjoy her but God has restored the memories of her heart for God, her generosity, her passion for winning souls, and her poet’s heart.
  11. I imagined the future Jolene had missed but God showed me her life wouldn’t have been perfect and probably not pleasant.
  12. Jolene had felt misunderstood and unwelcome at church but God has used her life and death to shine light on mental illness in the Christian community.
  13. I could barely function at work but God made me strong in my co-workers’ eyes.
  14. I lost my daughter but God gave my granddaughter Jordan Elizabeth Franklin (name meant to echo Jolene’s) nine months later. My son said Jordan, “from Dan, the Judge,” meant the Judge of the Universe had decreed a child would restore us as the waters of the Jordan River refresh the desert.             Jordan’s life is the sunshine and sweetness I wanted for my daughter.
  15. Two years later, I lost my mother, but God gave me my grandson, Isaiah Jaran Franklin. My son said Isaiah, “the Lord is salvation,” came to remind us our hope is in the Lord.
  16. I shuddered when I pictured how Jolene died but God showed me how He stood, waiting to take her into His arms.

 

There is so much more I could say. The principle that God takes every grief and pain and transforms them continues to direct my life.

I’ll close with Jolene’s own words:

Hope in Black and White

By Jolene Franklin

How can I be such as I am in this world of white

In this world of white where everything goes right

But there’s a world of black

Where the sky is gray and no sun shines

I go into that black sometimes

Into a world of darkness and despair

But hope is always there

I am on a journey to hope

Where the sun shines and gladness stays

 

My poem, written shortly after Jolene’s death

On Probation

By Darlene Franklin

Sentenced to life without Jolene

Jailed by grief

Key drowned in my sea of tears

Waves subside but black walls encompass me

Alone in the dark, my fingers fumble for light

God drills a pinpoint in my prison wall

Illuminating life around me

Within me

Do I dare?

Snatch the key, crack the door

On probation

Sponsored by Darlene Franklin

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